Pregnant with PN

[candice-marie88]

I have just discovered that I'm pregnant. I had no symptoms other than missed periods, but I have been under so much stress recently that I didn't realise I had missed them. I went to my GP expecting my worries to have messed with my cycle, but after doing a test just to be sure, discovered that it was positive.

I had sex once in September and he used a condom, so I didn't expect to get pregnant. I was not using any other form of birth control as I have sex once a year at the most! After my consultation and scan on monday 16th jan, I found out that I'm just over 15 weeks pregnant. My initial thoughts have been to have a termination and I am due to have one next wednesday, but I am now having second thoughts because I now feel attached to this baby and feel so guilty.

Unfortunately, the father is not interested one bit and said me having this baby will ruin his life! I am not financially stable- I am a university student, have no job and no money and I'm 23. My parents will support me the best they can, but my dad is not happy about it and would prefer I have the abortion. I'm not sure I can go through with the procedure though due to guilt and the fear that this could be my one opportunity to be happy. I fear I will never meet a partner or have children in the future due to my PN problems, but as long as I have my baby to love then I'll have something to live for.

What I am really asking is advice from other women who have had babies when they have had PN/E. I am worried this could worsen my condition, especially childbirth and not sure if i'd be allowed a c-section, although i'm worried about the scars and risks. I'm so scared right now, but I have always wanted a baby and I feel that I have to go through with the pregnancy, even though it might cause me further damage. I wish I was normal and able to do this without having to worry. I have never been diagnosed with a pelvic condition, but I have suffered from extreme clitoral pain, pain during and after sex and orgasm and other nerve pains around my body for 5 years.

Please could someone give me some advice? I am so scared

[Celeste]

Fifteen weeks? Your window of opportunity for a surgical D&C abortion passed at 12 weeks when the uterus was still hard and able to be scraped. Now it is larger and too soft for that to be safe for you. If you terminate it will have to be a procedure more like what you go through giving birth.

I think you should get some counseling, because whether you terminate, give birth and parent, or give birth and place for adoption, you are going to go through a lot.

I don't think it's fair to frame this as your only chance to be happy, and I don't think that babies in and of themselves make people happy. Happiness in your life circumstance is up to you. I also don't think it's fair to a baby to have it to give yourself something to live for. If you would be asking your parents to parent your child for you because of your condition, I think you have to give them the opportunity to say no.

I think you still have hope of getting well. I think you are probably very hormonal and emotional right now, and not telling yourself the truth about finding somebody else in the future. So, counseling can only benefit you. Look into all of your options, including adoption.

[candice-marie88]

I am supposed to have a procedure called ‘dilation and evacuation’ which is performed from 15-24 weeks of pregnancy. It involves having medication inserted into the vagina a few hours before the surgery to stretch open the cervix. It involves tubes and suction to remove the pregnancy. The nurse talked me through it on Monday, but I was in a state of shock at the time, so don’t know If this is 100% accurate. I live in the UK, so maybe it’s different from where you are, but I am very worried about this in case of risks and complications.

It’s very unfortunate that I found out so late, but I can’t change things now. I know it is unfair to say a baby is the only thing that would make my life worthwhile. That came out wrong; I’m just in a bit of a state at the moment. I’m very confused and I don’t have much support. Over the last five years I’ve spend most of my time indoors, in bed and haven’t worked very much, so my life is a very lonely one. I want to do the right thing, and I’m not sure if an abortion is the right thing. I love children, and I know that’s not a good enough reason to go through with the pregnancy because I am young, single and jobless, but I don’t want to live a life of what if's either. Adoption would be extremely difficult, I know my parents would rather I keep the baby than give it up, and I’d live a life of regret.

Maybe the termination is for the best, but I’m just worried about the risks involved and if it’s dangerous. Can’t believe I’ve ended up in this situation because I thought I was careful, but there’s no point going over it, I know.

I called the clinic today and they are trying to arrange me a counselling session asap, so hopefully I can make my decision with their help. My mum said she will support me whatever my decision, so that’s of some comfort for me.

Thanks

[Faith]

First let me say, Congratulations! I know this pregnancy was not planned and the circumstances seem more than you can bear, but non-the-less you are carrying a child and children in and of themselves are always a blessing. I do not know a lot about the NHS in the UK, but in the States when women find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy they can seek counsel and help from crisis pregnancy centers. I searched online and found that the UK has something similar http://www.careconfidential.com/ Maybe you have already spoken to them, but if not let me encourage you to seek proper counsel. There is also information about the risks and more details about abortion as well as information about adoption, etc.

MY PN pain developed around the time I conceived my first and only child. My pregnancy was difficult (mostly because I did not know why I was having vulvar pain). I delievered vaginally and although I had some vaginal tearing my pain was actually better after childbirth than it was during my pregnancy. (My worsening symptoms came after I went to a Physical therapist who caused a lot of problems). So, I say all that to say you can make it through pregnancy and even a vaginal delivery (although c-section would probably be easier) with PN.

You find yourself in a very difficult situation, there is no denying that, but having an abortion does not come without it's own problems so please take time to think and research before jumping into something that may cause you great regret and heartache the rest of your life. I am sure giving up a child for adoption would be very difficult, but I do think there would be less chance of regret with adoption than abortion. There are so many couples who struggle with infertility.... Just think you could give them a wonderful gift, something they desparately want, and you could give your unborn child a chance at life.

While a baby doesn't truly give you something to live for or true joy, children do bring life a lot of purpose and happiness. There are days I am sure I would lay in bed all day if it were not for my precious little girl (now 2). Motherhood is a challenge and some days those normal stresses on top of chronic pain seem overwhelming, but I would not trade my daughter or the chance at being a mother for anything. Please look at my blog (listed below) and email me (under "my story" tab), I would love to talk to you more. Your situation, while not easy, is not impossible. You conceived a child despite rarely having sex and using contraception for a reason. I will be praying for you.

[birdlife]

Well said, Faith.

Candice, you definitely should automatically have been offered counselling before this termination happens, it should have been standard procedure to offer it to you whether via the NHS or a private clinic.

You are still so young, please don't discount the rest of your life yet because you may have PN/PNE. There are kind, patient men out there, though you're probably not bumping into too many of them at uni! Its the student lifestyle, everyone knows there's 3 years of partying, with maybe some academics inbetween. I know you've hardly been part of that scene and it seems so unfair that you've ended up pregnant when you took precautions.

From your other posts its clear you're feeling very vulnerable even without this unplanned pregnancy. If you go through with either a termination or adoption, you will need certainty and a strong will to get you through. You can't escape some psychological and emotional outfall. You have to think whether you could cope with that, only you can make that decision. You have a hard road to follow whatever you decide. If you decide to keep the baby your uni or college will have a counselling service available to students, and most uni's also have a creche for student mums with babies. You could continue your degree at some point and also have the company and friendship of other student mums to share your problems with. Its great that your mum says she'll be behind you whatever you do, that's one HUGE hurdle dealt with while you make this most important decision of your life.

[pomegranate]

Candice,

I responded to your PM, but I just wanted to say I think Faith has also given you some excellent advice and support here. Like everyone, I urge you seek counseling before you make any of these decisions. I wish you the best. I'm happy to chat with you more via PM or here.

Edited to add that Celeste and Birdlife make excellent points re: finding a partner in the future. There ARE kind and compassionate men out there who see past disabilities or any other baggage one comes with. I'm married to one of them, and I know others. They typically don't appear until after one has left the university/college scene

Lauren

[mom]

Please give this much thought.....at 15 weeks your babies heart is beating on it's own..it has been for many weeks actully. At 20 weeks gender can be determined.(sometimes at 17 wks) Please think of mental strain this will be on you for a lifetime......you think adoption would cause regret...it may, actually speaking from experience it will! But at least you know there is a child out there....you know what his/her little face looked like and you can take comfort that you did not make a selfish decision but a selfless one for that child.

Children are a blessing...and if you took precautions and it still happened then I would say that although not part of your plan...that little life is part of God's plan.....this baby might be your blessing...or soemone elses that comes through you.

My thoughts are with you as you make this decision

[stephanies]

I wish you luck with your decision, it sounds like it is an extremely difficult situation. I have a close friend who had two babies with PNE. One before her PN surgery and one after. She has two beautiful children and does not feel that the pregnancies increased her pain in the long term. She also had the babies by c-sections due to her PN issues.