I get so jealous of "healthy" people

[Julia]

I have been in a really bad flare for the last 2 weeks and feeling so overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to give up altogether. Sometimes I think my husband would be better off without me. I feel like we have had to miss out on so many things because of this stupid nerve and I get so angry. Why me?? Surely, no one deserves pain like this, pain that is unrelenting for years, pain that prevents you from doing all the things that you love to do, pain that alienates you from family and friends, pain that is plain to see on my face in my wedding photos, pain that no one understands.

I know that my pain levels are out of control when I start to get jealous of the people around me. Today I watched a woman walk down the street and I thought to myself: "She is so so lucky. She is walking right now without pain. She will jump in her car and have no pain after a drive to the grocery store. She will go home tonight and make love to her husband. She will fall asleep easily without pain. She does not dread morning because she will not wake to find an ever present burning pain. She can have children whenever she wants without having to plan for weaning off medications and being physically strong enough to give birth and care for a child. She will wear jeans and heels tomorrow and work-out in the gym with no pain, without even a second thought. She will feel pure joy that isn't tainted by chronic physical pain and utter hopelessness. SHE used to be ME, and I miss her terribly.

I try to stay positive, I truly do. Co-workers remark how amazing it is that I can put on a brave face everyday and attend to customers with a smile, all the while breaking apart on the inside. I feel that if I give in to the hopelessness, I truly will have to leave this life, and I am not willing to do that to my family. I know they love me but it hurts me that they never understood how bad it all was from the beginning. They never went with me to appointments. They never even bothered to read the information I would give them about PNE. They didn't realize how dangerously close I was to ending it all, and they still don't. Of course they can't possibly know what this pain feels like, and I pray to God that they never will, but how can I move past my anger, my disappointment, my jealousy?

Sorry for going on and on, just had to get this all out. If anyone else out there feels this way too, please know that I understand and that you are not alone.

[sam]

I too feel exactly the same way, PN has made me so selfish and now I put myself first before anyone else and think what is best for me to manage my pain but I hate this.

[calluna]

Julia, I am so sorry that things are hard for you at the moment. I think we've all had our moments/days/weeks of depression - it is, after all, entirely normal to react in this way to chronic pain. And even when we think we've got past it, sometimes it sneaks up on us yet again. All the things you describe are part of it.

Could I ask - have you been offered any psychological support? Quite early in my own journey along this road I was lucky enough to be referred to a psychologist through the local GP service. She helped me so much, both with depression and with pain management - for me the two things went side by side. It was not until I started feeling better (in my mind, I mean) that I realised how low I had been, before.

Maybe you could talk to your doctor about some help along these lines? It helped me so much - I would wish the same for you.

[Julia]

Thanks so much for the replies. Early on before I had any idea what the cause of my pain was I saw a psychiatrist and she unfortunately made me feel that the pain I was feeling was due to stress and my parents divorce, she kept imploring me to talk about those things when all I could do was cry for the pain I was feeling while sitting in her chair!! I was like, who cares about my parents divorce and my stupid job, just please give me something to take the pain away!!

Definitely I think it could help if I find someone who understands chronic pain, so I'll definitely look into this again. Just really needed to vent last night. Feeling much the same tonight unfortunately, but I know better days will be around the corner for me so trying to keep optimistic.

Thanks again.

[Anne smith]

Oh Julia!
I wish I could hug you ! I'm sure we all could. All you are feeling we all have! My partner loves me, but has never read a page about my problem! Yes he to grieve s the life we should have and now haven't!
I would love to see my son in Dubai ! But I cannot cope with the commute from my home to manchester then seven hours to Dubai . I would be to I'll to enjoy him taking me round and showing me his day to day living out there! But like many of these marvellous people on this site I have( with found a way of living with this infliction) ! For me constant distraction is the key! Yes as all the lovely people on this site recommend! Get your meds right! It can make all the difference!
This is only my own experience!... Don't take to your bed! Get your make up on! Paint your nails( even if you wonder why?? The human body does not want you to die! You are young and vital whether you like it or not! And it has a lot more I store for you yet( good or bad) how does it say( bring it on)
Anne smith

[Laura]

Hi Julia,

I wish I could give you a big hug too! You've expressed so beautifully what most of us here feel at one time or another. It's so sad that outsiders can give us more pain with their foolish comments, as if we needed anymore pain. Please do not give up hope that you can feel better. I still have pain though it is less than it used to be. Mainly, with time and lifestyle changes.
I found this great pool noddle at Costco. I've tried those hard foam pool noodles, but they just killed me. I don't know what is inside these other noodles from costco, but they're very soft and keep my pelvis suspended. I still don't push it with sitting, as that will raise my pain levels up like nothing else! I also use a tablet to keep in touch instead of sitting at the computer. As someone else has suggested, medication can make a world of difference. Chronic pain so wears a person out. Massaging tight muscles also helps. I have bought an ultra sound machine from Amazon, and use that on my tight hamstring muscles and that helps also. I wish I could use it on my perineal area, but of course I cannot.
Please don't ever feel alone, as we know what you are going through, and care about you! Wishing you better days ahead!

[Violet M]

Julia, it's OK to vent here because we understand how you feel. I remember thinking almost the exact same thoughts you expressed when I saw a "healthy" woman doing all of the things I used to do. I think that until you experience the kind of pain we do, it's impossible to imagine how truly bad it is and I think most "healthy" people feel a little uncomfortable around people like us because they don't know what to say or how to show they care. I hope you will be able to find the treatments you need to bring your pain levels down.

Hugs,

Violet

[Dave]

It's also frustrating when PN is caused by actively doing the things that are supposed to make us "healthy" (be it weightlifting, stairmaster, biking, running, elliptical, etc.). But then we see people who obviously have poor health habits walking around doing the things we used to be able to do.

On the other hand, there is the Persian proverb "I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." It is certain we could come up with a long list of diseases worse than PN.

[Julia]

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. So much wisdom and caring in this group. I can honestly say that having this condition has made me truly understanding and empathetic to others who are suffering in a way that I never could have been before. A lot of things in my life have changed since my pain began, but not all of the changes are bad and I think it is important to remember that. We never know where life will take us, maybe suffering with this condition will eventually lead me to somewhere I'm supposed to be. I am actively pursuing other treatments and medications so that I can better cope with the pain and find that it is so much easier to have hope when you have new ideas and plans. I won't give up and I so appreciate all who have reached out to me.

[helenlegs 11]

It's great that you are managing to put some positives into this situation Julia.
I am not working because of PN and PS, which isn't great BUT I wouldn't have been able to be there for my Dad as my Mam has late stage Alzheimers. He had to try and pick his life back up when she eventually went into a care home. She had been so hard to care for at home, he and I did it between us as the carers who came in couldn't manage her. That really took it's toll on him (well us in fact). Thankfully she has settled very nicely into the home. She is much better behaved too and is being well cared for.
I wouldn't have been able to help much at all if not for this, and it was SO necessary.
Take care,
Helen