My first post here. I want to try and make this as condensed as possible, but I don't know how possible that will be. There is some sensitive subject matter that I kind of have to mention in order for the whole picture to make sense which is awkward for me to bring up, but hey, we are all here to heal so I hope you can bare with me.
Basically, from '08 to '11 I went through a very dark period in my life. I was going through a pretty deep depression and during this time I was basically drinking and smoking literally every day. *sensitive subject matter alert (it is what it is :/ ) Due to me also being alone and single along with being depressed I was masturbating up to 3-4 times a day, sometimes in a rather rough way, just being careless and not paying attention to my body. This combination was pretty much going on daily for 3 years straight (except a couple 1 month sober attempts). One day in '09, after being really drunk, and masturbating way to aggresively (sorry again
) my penis basically went completely numb which freaked me out incredibly. But as my habits were deeply engrained, I could only manage to give it a 2 day break, being completely naive to the health of my body and still under the influence of deep depression. I thought 2 days was enough, so when most of the numbness went away I was right back at it. Moderate numbness ensued, which prompted me to give 1 day breaks here and there but somehow, under the haze of alcohol and depression, I did not listen to my body's call for healing. I pretty much told myself "I will keep these habits going, as I cannot stop, and when I am able to stop, hopefully my penis can heal." Alcohol/masturbation was too much of an addiction for me to give up, and hence, even with a moderately numb penis and sometimes significant pain I still kept going. In late 2010 (the breaking point), I was masturbating when I felt an extremely sharp pain at the base of my penis, which brought about severe pain for 3-4 days (ended up going to the ER), and about 3-4 months of complete erectile dysfunction. This is where I told myself "now I must stop. I must heal. This has gone too far". From early 2011till now I have sought psychotherapy, have been on an anti depressant, have been essentially 100% completely sober, and have essentially 100% stopped masturbating (literally only maybe about once every 7 months, if that). Have been taking plethoras of supplements (ALA, benfotiamine, methyl b12, etc). I have completely changed my lifestyle and have been eating very healthy. I have sought help and worked with multiple Pelvic floor therapists (some trained by Amy Stein), seen multiple urologists, and a neurologist. My NCV, EMG, and basic "pin prick" testing have come back within "normal range". All were done on the penis and the pudendal nerve. My MRI of pelvic floor came back "normal". Despite all these tests being "normal", despite all the lifestyle changes, despite all the pelvic floor therapy/trigger point therapy, my numbness has not basically changed whatsoever . During intercourse (have a girlfriend now) sex feels about 50-60% less pleasurable, and about 70-80% less pleasureable during oral sex. My penis still feels significantly less sensitive then it used to. Imagine a limb going to sleep and it going numb. My penis feels if that limb has regained about 30-40% of its blood supply. Thats it. Still a very disconnected feeling, as if it is a rubber attachment almost. It's scary. Very scary. To the point of being surreal. As I was saying, practically cant even tell that oral sex is occurring sometimes. I don't know if I can handle life if this is actually permanent. I know I ultimately brought this upon myself and I beat myself up every day about it, but It doesnt change the constant feeling of despair in me.
After questioning my neurologist, he did say it was a possibility that there could be some smaller fiber neuropathy that might be going on that is unable to be picked up by currently available equipment. This is what Im concerned about. Possible (so far undetected) damage to the pudendal nerve or smaller fiber neuropathy occuring in smaller branches of the penile dorsal nerve. Maybe there is entrapment or compression somewhere that has not been picked up? Im praying to God this isnt permanent. I desperately just want to know whats going on with me!
I dont know where to go from here. I am keep constant with my therapies at home (trigger point release, stretching, meditation) but no progress is being made..
Should I get an MRN? Are there any other more detailed tests that could reveal the problem?? I would so so much appreciate any feedback you guys might have in this regard. Would be so very grateful.
Thanks much.
John
