Post-Surgery and returning to work

[barb21949]

Good afternoon everyone. I am almost 3 months post surgery with Dr. Andrew Elkwood. Unfortunately, as I begin to more mobile and active I am not seeing the decrease in pain I had hoped. Basically the more I do, the more pain I feel. I have pain with sitting, standing, walking, even laying down. I was told it may take 6 months to a 1yr to see improvement (if I am to see any) so I am trying to remain hopeful. Its been 6yrs now dealing with this. Surgery was my last resort.

I used sick time the first week weeks of my absence. I was covered by short term disability thru the end of February because I expected to be back by work by then by working remote. Because of the pandemic and an existing work accommodation I had because of my pain condition, I had been working 2 days remote for the past year. I requested full remote. My surgeons office and pain management doctor completed forms recommending it as well but my employer denied it and are requiring I return to work on-site at least 2 days a week with the expectation I'll be able to do 5 days on-site in the next few weeks/months.

I was told at this point post-surgery I should try to get back to my normal routine as much as possible. The problem is my normal routine is a M-F 9-5pm Administration job with an hour commute one way (more with traffic or bad weather). Even with a stand up desk they provided me my work day includes managing my pain as much as possible. Ive been working in pain for 5yrs, even with schedule change and a stand up desk...nothing helped.

I am so worried to return to that routine. I was so hoping I would be able to work remote for a few months.

What would you do? Would you just continue to grin and bare the drive and the work day? Would you quit? Would you go back on short -term disability? I have used all my FMLA so if I go back out on leave, my job can fire me and I will lose my insurance. I just dont know what to do.

I have been trying to take such good care of myself these weeks since the surgery by limiting my triggers...now I feel I have no choice to start doing again the very things that cause me pain.

[jaxi123]

Employers just do not get it and it should illegal for them to think we could ever go full force again. I’ve had to do that and onlY made myself worse. Employers don’t get that we have no quality of life,etc. i’m finally giving up myself and quitting and I should’ve done that years ago

[barb21949]

Employers just do not get it and it should illegal for them to think we could ever go full force again. I’ve had to do that and onlY made myself worse. Employers don’t get that we have no quality of life,etc. i’m finally giving up myself and quitting and I should’ve done that years ago

They told me they have "accommodated me" long enough basically. I think they are fed up having someone that has issues. Covid proved we can work successfully remote but they are telling me my condition has nothing to do with Covid.
It is so frustrating.
I am afraid of making myself worse or at the very least delaying or stopping any success I may see from the surgery.
They expect me to return by March 15. I just dont know what to do.
I have been living in pain for years now. I have been so afraid to say "I can't do it anymore" as I feel I'm allowing this terrible pain to win!
But I truly dont think I can do it anymore. The only way I sit is on a toilet shape seat my husband made for me as no cushions we tried helped but thats not sustainable all day long and then my leg gets numb or my back starts to hurt and once the pain kicks in...its achy or sending waves of pain throughout the day no matter what I do. EVERY MOVEI MAKE IS A TRIGGER. EVEN BEING SEDENTARY HURTS. Standing causes my vaginal pain to get worse. Walking hurts. Driving is TERRIBLE. Laying down on my back only lasts a while before I have to lay on my side or stomach.

Its a terrible way of life.

[Ray P.]

Barb
How are you doing?

Ray

[barb21949]

Barb
How are you doing?

Ray

I am doing better. I am REALLY hopeful and I am praying that I may continue to see more progress. I am almost 4 months post op and although I am nowhere near being pain free I am feeling less intense pain. I would say at this point maybe a 25% improvement? My pain is still an ongoing but any decrease is improvement!!!!

My mornings were always the best time of day for me and since the surgery there are mornings I almost feel normal.
If I am having a lazy day, just hanging home, reclining, some basic household chores, etc...I can have a decent day without relenting pain levels.

I would say I feel the most improvement in the "sitting on something" sensation. Having said that I still avoid sitting as much as possible as it still becomes too much after awhile. I long for the day I can JUST SIT again without thinking twice about it.

For me, walking and standing ware bad like sitting as my pain includes vuvlar/labia area. I would come home crying after a day at work and would lay down all night and all weekend with ice packs and heating pads. It was unbearable and just cruel to expect anyone to live like that! I am not bowing to the ice packs and heating pads Gods as much anymore but still the more I do, the more pain. Some days I feel my tolerance levels increase but still can’t get through your average day.

Driving remains a big trigger since my pain is right sided and pedal movement is irritating.

My job has reduced me to part time due to my doctors recommending and my requesting remote work. They told me in order for me to go back to full time I need to report on site. This involves a one hour commute one way and an 8hr day at a desk.

I am VERY concerned that rushing back to that routine too soon will set me back not to mention Im still in pain. My husband is so grateful for any improvement and he does NOT want me pushing myself . Actually I am concerned about returning to that routine AT ALL. I know driving in 2-3hrs a day and trying to get through a 8-10hr work day right now would involve more grinning and baring and I am SO tired of the GRIN AND BARE LIFE!

So my choices:
>remain part time as long as they allow it (financial hit and lose insurance)
>possibly get fired for not returning to my FT schedule (also financial hit but could collect unemployment but still lose insurance)
>quit (possibly go out on short term disability or collect unemployment and lose insurance)
>TRY to go back to the on-site routine at least for now (they said they will allow me to do the 2 days for a few weeks/months but eventually they want me back 5 days again). My husband thinks going back the 2 days is just delaying the inevitable and putting my body through too much
>try to find other work either remote or closer to home

With pudendal nerve...when do you know to stop the grin and bare?
I mean if you have to do that are you really living a quality life?
If you start to feel better could you/should you go back to life as normal or does that mean BE GRATEFUL AND BE KIND TO YOUR BODY AND DON'T PUSH YOUR LIMITS OR YOUR LUCK? STOP THE GRIN AND BARE...DO ONLY WHAT YOU CAN!
I struggle with this a lot. Is that giving in or is that just acceptance?

[janetm2]

Hi Barb,
You are in a tough place trying to decide what to do. I was in a similar state but had an easy out. After surgery although it helped somewhat full time work didn't seem possible. My doctor suggested that I not try to get back to full time. 5-5 1\2 hours was my max. Because I was able as a federal worker to take advantage of Family Medical Leave Act with forms signed by the doctor I worked the fewer hours but stayed as a full time worker, insurance covered. I was taking leave without pay but we could afford the pay cut. I only had 5 years until retirement and was able to make it. I think not pushing to work 8 hours a day was the right decision but didn't have the impacts that you are facing. I hope you can find a solution.
Janet

[barb21949]

Hi Barb,
You are in a tough place trying to decide what to do. I was in a similar state but had an easy out. After surgery although it helped somewhat full time work didn't seem possible. My doctor suggested that I not try to get back to full time. 5-5 1\2 hours was my max. Because I was able as a federal worker to take advantage of Family Medical Leave Act with forms signed by the doctor I worked the fewer hours but stayed as a full time worker, insurance covered. I was taking leave without pay but we could afford the pay cut. I only had 5 years until retirement and was able to make it. I think not pushing to work 8 hours a day was the right decision but didn't have the impacts that you are facing. I hope you can find a solution.
Janet

Hello Janet.
I am so confused. Even though I am feeling “better” I am still in pain. It’s such a mindf*ck because I feel like I had this surgery to try to be normal again and get my life back but at the same time I am so afraid of reversing or stopping the improvement By doing exactly that

I’ve been at my job for 22 years so I’ve been hopeful they would work with me but I think they are losing their patience. I used my 12 weeks FMLA. That expired March 15 which is when I went back to work remote but only part time as they would not allow remote full time. They extended this schedule til May1. At that point they want me to be on site 2 days to start with 3 remote. Part of me feels this is a good deal and I should take it but I was doing this schedule pre-op during Covid. Struggling all the way through it. Although I feel improvement I still can not sit, walk, stand or drive for any significant duration without pain increasing. I also thought maybe I can to do only half days on-site but my commute is 1hr drive without traffic and public transportation would take double that time.

I might be able to convince my employer to allow me to do full time status by working remote part time and use my PTO for the other time but this will only buy me another 6 maybe 8 weeks.

Eventually they will want me back on-site. They might allow for the 2 days on-site for a few months but I fear doing this. As it is just driving 15 minutes or so causes a flare. Sitting straight up causes a flare, walking/standing, heck even laying down can cause a flare as even though I had the surgery...I STILL HAVE THE CONDITION. So many people do not understand this. The surgery was not a cure all but an attempt to reduce my pain and even though I AM feeling a reduction in pain, I AM STILL IN PAIN!

Part of me wants to try going back and see how I feel before I just say no but I can’t expect my employer to work with such an indefinite time frame. If i try it and I can’t do it and I tell them I need to be remote only again this will throw everything off as while I am remote they have to hire a temp to fill for the hours I can not do.

I’ve used all my FMLA so if I go back out on leave I am not job protected. If I can only work remote as is stands now they won’t allow it to be full time. If I want to be full time I have to go on-site. If I quit or get fired I can possibly collect but I lose my insurance and I never wanted to NOT WORK.

But am I just being stubborn? Selfish? By trying to hang up to something that maybe I just can't do anymore and I am reluctant to admit that?

I always tell my husband, my family, my counselor (as living in chronic pain is depressing!!!) that I CAN drive. I CAN sit. I CAN stand so I need to just suck it up and continue to do it! They say my pushing through it is just my refusing to accept my situation for what it is...they think this is not being brave or strong...this is me being foolish and living in denial!

My husband said I need to stop this “let’s wait and see” and just tell my employer my days of working on-site are over as mg priority is recovery and since I can’t give an exact date as to if or when I will ever be ready that they either allow remote work or they need to fire me.

I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m worried.
Is my pain “enough” pain to validate my not being willing to or able to do certain things anymore?
I struggle with this a lot.

[jaxi123]

I would not go back to work biggest mistake I could’ve ever made. I am in total misery and only continue to get worse after surgery

[janetm2]

Barb,
I wish I had a great solution but I don't. I got to my best recovery after 7 months but only able to work 5-6 hours. I was told any improvement from surgery was success, certainly not to expect full recovery. There is a point that you need to accept that you can't do everything you could before. I went through that earlier with my foot pain then of course again with PN. It is enough pain to justify doing less. I recently had back surgery plans then fell and have to regain strength before being able to do my laundry and cook more than simple things or heat up Omaha Steaks meals. I have had maid service since I moved from a condo to house. Again I was lucky to have a good paying job and now pension. Chronic pain is depressing, I had it for 25 years. Does your husband work in a place you can get insurance? Sorry all I can do is validate some of you feelings. Good luck.
Janet

[Tropikid]

So how’s recovery been??

Hi Barb,
You are in a tough place trying to decide what to do. I was in a similar state but had an easy out. After surgery although it helped somewhat full time work didn't seem possible. My doctor suggested that I not try to get back to full time. 5-5 1\2 hours was my max. Because I was able as a federal worker to take advantage of Family Medical Leave Act with forms signed by the doctor I worked the fewer hours but stayed as a full time worker, insurance covered. I was taking leave without pay but we could afford the pay cut. I only had 5 years until retirement and was able to make it. I think not pushing to work 8 hours a day was the right decision but didn't have the impacts that you are facing. I hope you can find a solution.
Janet

Hello Janet.
I am so confused. Even though I am feeling “better” I am still in pain. It’s such a mindf*ck because I feel like I had this surgery to try to be normal again and get my life back but at the same time I am so afraid of reversing or stopping the improvement By doing exactly that

I’ve been at my job for 22 years so I’ve been hopeful they would work with me but I think they are losing their patience. I used my 12 weeks FMLA. That expired March 15 which is when I went back to work remote but only part time as they would not allow remote full time. They extended this schedule til May1. At that point they want me to be on site 2 days to start with 3 remote. Part of me feels this is a good deal and I should take it but I was doing this schedule pre-op during Covid. Struggling all the way through it. Although I feel improvement I still can not sit, walk, stand or drive for any significant duration without pain increasing. I also thought maybe I can to do only half days on-site but my commute is 1hr drive without traffic and public transportation would take double that time.

I might be able to convince my employer to allow me to do full time status by working remote part time and use my PTO for the other time but this will only buy me another 6 maybe 8 weeks.

Eventually they will want me back on-site. They might allow for the 2 days on-site for a few months but I fear doing this. As it is just driving 15 minutes or so causes a flare. Sitting straight up causes a flare, walking/standing, heck even laying down can cause a flare as even though I had the surgery...I STILL HAVE THE CONDITION. So many people do not understand this. The surgery was not a cure all but an attempt to reduce my pain and even though I AM feeling a reduction in pain, I AM STILL IN PAIN!

Part of me wants to try going back and see how I feel before I just say no but I can’t expect my employer to work with such an indefinite time frame. If i try it and I can’t do it and I tell them I need to be remote only again this will throw everything off as while I am remote they have to hire a temp to fill for the hours I can not do.

I’ve used all my FMLA so if I go back out on leave I am not job protected. If I can only work remote as is stands now they won’t allow it to be full time. If I want to be full time I have to go on-site. If I quit or get fired I can possibly collect but I lose my insurance and I never wanted to NOT WORK.

But am I just being stubborn? Selfish? By trying to hang up to something that maybe I just can't do anymore and I am reluctant to admit that?

I always tell my husband, my family, my counselor (as living in chronic pain is depressing!!!) that I CAN drive. I CAN sit. I CAN stand so I need to just suck it up and continue to do it! They say my pushing through it is just my refusing to accept my situation for what it is...they think this is not being brave or strong...this is me being foolish and living in denial!

My husband said I need to stop this “let’s wait and see” and just tell my employer my days of working on-site are over as mg priority is recovery and since I can’t give an exact date as to if or when I will ever be ready that they either allow remote work or they need to fire me.

I’m scared. I’m confused. I’m worried.
Is my pain “enough” pain to validate my not being willing to or able to do certain things anymore?
I struggle with this a lot.