Post-Surgery and returning to work

[Cherv0812]

It’s been 1yr and 3 months post surgery.
my overall pain levels are better.
I am no longer at level 10 pain which is where I was when I decided to have the surgery.
I am still in pain every day.
I still get bad flares that last hours or days. it’s better than it was and I try to be grateful for that but I am far from pain free and carefree days.

My employer has allowed me to work remote all this time which you would think is a good thing. However after 22 years of working there I was denied a raise and a promotion. They created a position that they claim is higher than me but it’s really my position with a different title and told me I could apply for it (a position I am already doing) but made the point of stating this position would require me to be on site. Feels like if they are stuck with me they do not want to reward me.

In addition they have asked for another update from my doctors to allow me to continue to work remote in my current position.

Quality of life is what I am trying to focus on.
I am trying to put myself first but at the same time I feel weak, selfish, unprofessional for doing so.
I feel pressure, maybe a little self-induced, to get back to the person I used to be and the things I used to do.
Working remote has alleviated the pressure and stress of worrying about having to work in pain and possibly have my progress regress. But pain is suggestive right, so who am I to say "I can't".

Believe me, this pain, although better than before the surgery, is still very
difficult. I mean I am always in pain. Every move I make, even no movement. It’s constantly aching. my day to day pain is is better than before the surgery but better does not mean good. And I believe its better because I have been able to, so far, remove my old routine from my life. As much as I miss my old life and working in the office I don’t miss crying in pain all the time. I can prevent my pain from increasing if I am in control and can apply pain management, which for me is stopping the activity that is causing my pain, laying down as needed and applying ice and heat. I wouldn't be in control at the office. I know I will be called into meetings or have people coming in and out of my office at any given time and I’d have to sit or stand there in pain and put on a brave face.

Sometimes when I home and having a "good day" I think "today is a good day, I could have gone to work” but then I remember I was not in a car for 60 minutes one way and I was not sitting/standing for hours. When I am able to visit family and friends or do anything social (which is not often) I feel guilty, like if I can do this, I should go to work BUT then remember, yes, I did that, but I laid down on their sofa or reclined, excused myself a lot to lay on a bed or sit on a toilet seat for few minutes which always makes me feel better, had heat and ice packs on me,etc…AND in front of family and friends I can get emotional if I need too.

Driving is bad for me as I can not sit on a cushion that is comfortable enough or does not have my knees hitting the steering wheel so I am sitting directly on the areas of pain. Sitting is more tolerable than before but in spurts. Standing and walking too long can lead to achy and heavy sensation. I also have developed a lot of foot pain that makes standing and walking less tolerable than it used to be.

The reality is I do not want to use all my pain toleration and energy for work and have my personal life suffer because of it. It's hard for me to say that because I feel that is just selfish, entitled, demanding.

I am a hard worker with strong work ethics and I am not looking for special treatment nor do I consider remote work a "perk". It can actually be isolating and have its downside BUT it's what makes me feel better. As much as I have contemplated and battled with myself about trying to go back some half days I know I am kidding myself and putting the wants of my employer above my health.

Even if I could tolerate a day at work I'd pay for it at night because the more I do, the worse I feel if I do not apply pain management quickly. Every night I apply ice and heat to help me fall asleep.

One thing I remember one of my doctors saying to me is that chronic pain does not have to mean you are in extreme pain all the time, every day, it can mean flares throughout the week, month or year. That is something I need to remember. I need to remind myself of that.

I wish my employer would just say I can work from home and leave it at that. But every few weeks they keep asking me when I am returning and it just makes me feel like a failure. I would feel so much better with my progress and where I am at right now if it wasn’t for this. This constant pressure to get back to the office just makes me feel like I haven’t come far enough.

[jaxi123]

Tell your employer to kiss your ass get out of there and take care of yourself. I spent almost 24 years working for SOBs who didn’t give a damn about me and I regret every minute of it. I worked when I could barely get out of bed they could’ve cared less. I saw them pull strings for certain people but they would never do a thing for me. It’s not worth it, get out and take care of yourself. Due to me trying to continue to work I relied heavily on my non-surgical hip and now it’s a complete mess and I can’t sit at all. My days are spent lying down, standing up and walking that’s it.